Snapped Lead

Ever since I was a preteen–barely a teenager obviously–I was this little random hot-tempered little girl who seems unsure in almost everything she does . . . poor self-esteem, you can call it . . and then I discovered a gateway to a completely different world. My own little world.

I used to call this my “different dimension“.

Yeah, so shoot me XD

NAH. I became autistic. There. That’s the right word. I did not realize until much recently that it very well suits me. My mind seems too different, too childish and more outgoing than my outer selfk. It takes me to places that I know I could never set foot on, that I know are merely part of the pages of a book or the scenes in a movie. I even get sucked up into my own world after watching a good movie, or an anime, or even after reading something or listening to some music. This is SOOO me.

After finishing Twilight for the first time I envision myself back in our biology lab with this overly gorgeous guy beside me.

Some good long Naruto marathon used to make me bounce around my room pretending to run with my arms behind me and throwing kunais at unseen enemies outside my window.

Then I would be holding my hairbrush and pretend to sing my heart out in front of the mirror while the song plays accordingly in my ears.

Hahaha, looking back, I think I was really being pathetic. Even now. HAHA.

Sometimes, while watching a movie or anime, I get caught up in one particular moment or scene and then I pause the show, stand up and pretend I’m the character, and I’d be either crying or shouting or cowering. The trees outside my window could’ve burst into flames, and I wouldn’t have noticed. Yikes?

When a random idea pops up into my head the engines roar, and I’m only present wherever I am physically. My mind was a thousand miles away.

Right now, I feel . . . disturbed. Like I really want to be alone, away from the others. Aloof, cold. I registered myself into an unlimited text and then I shun my cell phone. Sure, I texted a few times, but again, I shunned my phone away. I don’t know what’s going on with me again. It’s like, history is repeating itself for the umpteenth time. I had this experience a few months ago as well, people always saw me brooding. I’m too weak to sort out what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I’m too naive, too lazy, too innocent, too immature. Too too too. Fuck this.

When will I get better at this?

To be honest, it scares me. Sometimes I wonder if I would grow up to be mental, and people I’d known would see in me in the streets dancing stupidly or something.

I really hope not. (I mean, who would?)

Anyway, as always, I get obsessed with one solitary thing one at a time, and right now, the Twilight obsession still hasn’t died down. I found this old picture of Ransom Spunk (know him?hahaha) and he just looks . . . awesome. And young. And his hair has always been . . . to die for. lol. Until recently, when he decided to shave huge parts of his hair off and he just looks like a weird Brad Pitt.